Wedding Jokes

The following jokes could be incorporated into the speeches.

I’m not a yes man to my wife - when she says no, I say no.

 

It’s not so much who wears the pants, but how much money is in the pockets.

 

He has been in love with the same woman for 25 years - I hope his wife doesn’t find out.

 

I walked up the aisle and said ‘I do’. And I’ve been doing it ever since.

 

I always cry at weddings, especially my own.

 

Did you hear about the newly weds who stayed up all night waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

 

It was the first night of the newly weds in their bridal suite and the young husband was staring out the window very intently into the starry night while his young bride was sitting patiently in bed waiting.

“Aren’t you coming to bed darling?” she said sexily.

“Not on your life!” he replied. “My mother said this would be the most wonderful night of my life and I’m not going to miss it for anything!”.

 

For newly married couples, there is a progression of rings: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering!

 

They’ve been going together for so many years, instead of the Wedding March the organist should have played the Hallelujah Chorus!

 

She (the bride) loves the finer things in life. I overheard her when the minister was going through the vows - she said “What’s all this garbage about for richer or for poorer?”

 

Didn’t she (the bride) look absolutely gorgeous as she swept down the aisle. Well, _____ (groom’s name), you can be sure that’s the very last time you will see her sweep!

 

It would be wonderful someday to see ______ (bride) and ______ (groom) have children. I think people who never have children just don’t understand what they’re missing. They’ll never know the thrill of coming home after a hard days work to see their children stuffing spaghetti up their noses.

 

Children are essential in modern day life - without them, how the hell would you programme your DVD?

 

Live each day as if it were your last - and each night as if it were your first!

 

The first time I ever set eyes on the bride I was awestruck by her looks - to me she was ‘drop dead gorgeous’, I said to her ‘you’re gorgeous’, she said ‘drop dead!’

 

The bride looks absolutely stunning, the groom looks absolutely stunned!

 

The groom was not a pretty baby - his mother got morning sickness after he was born.

 

Marriage isn’t for everybody - men for instance!

 

They married for better or for worse - He couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse!

 

Love is blind and marriage is an institution so why go to a blind institution.

 

Darling, tonight you will sink into my arms and tomorrow your arms will be in my sink.

 

She is a great housekeeper - after ever divorce she gets to keep the house.

 

Before her wedding, a young bride got more and more nervous about the wedding ceremony so she went to see the minister. He reassured her by pointing out that the ceremony was quite simple.

‘You enter the church and walk up the AISLE.

The groom will be waiting for you at the ALTAR.

Everyone will then sing a HYMN to start the ceremony’ said the minister. Just remember the order and everything will be fine.

On their wedding day, the bride remembered the order and arrived alongside the groom muttering to herself, AISLE, ALTAR, HYMN, AISLE ALTER, HYMN - or as the groom thought he heard “I’ll alter him!”

 

After two years of happy marriage, the bride confessed one day that she had just bought twelve new dresses. “Twelve!”, exclaimed the groom - “what could anyone want with twelve new dresses?” - Quick as a flash she replied - “why twelve new pairs of shoes of course”.

 

A guest arrived at a wedding where he had not met the groom before. He spotted a dapper young man in a tuxedo and asked ‘Are you the groom?’ “No” said the young man sadly, “I was knocked out in the semi-finals”.

 

As the newly married couple arrived by taxi at their honeymoon hotel, the bride bent across to the groom and whispered “Darling, I don’t want people to realise we are newlyweds - I want them to think we have been married for years.” “Are you sure you can manage both suitcases” replied the groom.

 

 

Q.       What four letter words can still shock the most progressive of today’s brides?

A.       IRON, DUST, WASH, COOK, BAKE

 

The bride wept, the bridesmaids cried - and even the wedding cake was in tiers.